Release

ramadhan is nearing, so i remember when i was in my 4 to 5pm lecture 2 years ago, and i feel my mobile vibrate. i remember looking at the screen and seeing 'Home' calling. i remember calling you back once i'm in the car and tell you am on my way. i remember how you used to say 'deer baalek bel 6ireej la testa3yel. i remember taking it for granted, i remember how i'd say 'inshala' and then speed anyway. i remember you asking me if i had prayed before coming to the table, and i remember you sitting next to me asking how my day was.

i remember you asking me if i would go to el 7saineya for the lectures, and how i would say yes. i remember coming back from el 7saineya, just as you pull in the garage. i remember us sitting till 1am exchanging what we heard in those lectures. i remember you telling me what time i would like you to wake me up for school, and how you urge me to wake up for salaat el fayir.

i also remember how you would tell me to drop something off at one of my aunts' places, or you would tell me to go pick up something from one of my aunts'. i remember how mad i get when you tell me to do one of these things half an hour before il athaan, and i remember how you would tell me "3afya 3al shaikh" just to make me go. you don't know this but, everytime i used to get mad i would swear to myself to never do it again while i'm in the car.

i remember when it's thursdays, and i ask you "bait meno il izwaara elaila?" and then i'd ask if you would like to come with me. sometimes you did, sometimes you didn't. you don't know this but, everytime you didn't, it doesn't feel like a thursday.

i remember when it's friday, and i walk into grandfather's house and see you with my aunts and uncles sitting in the living room. you don't know this but, i used to look forward to fridays so i can have a chance to kiss your head. i didn't want to do it at home, so it wouldn't mean anything to you over time. i really looked forward to fridays.

i remember when i was coming down the stairs and you would ask me where i'm headed to, sometimes you would tell me "sh laabis ent" when i'm wearing my red sports jacket that gets on your nerve. sometimes you would ask me the same if you felt i was wearing an extra tight shirt. i would joke that "sh 7aga atmaran 3ayal", and i remember that look you used to give me as if you're saying "grow up". you don't know this but, whenever you did give me that look i wish i had went upstairs and changed.

i remember coming back home, not later than 12 midnight because i know you don't like it. sometimes i used to regret leaving the dowaneya or wherever i am before 12 because i would be enjoying myself. you don't know this but, whenever i step into the living room and see the look on your face when i'm back, i used to think i'm the luckiest man on earth.

i remember when i would make plans with some friends, but before i give them the okay, i would come to your room and ask if you needed anything. pick something up, drive you someplace, anything you would say. you don't know this but, i really felt disappointed when you said "la, mashkor mabi shay bas deer balek".

i remember how you would get mad because i parked my cars inside the garage and would be blocking your car. i remember you referring to them by either color or size "3ali, enzel o wakher el safra" or "3ali, enzel o wakher el esgheera". i remember how occasionally you wouldn't be in the mood and so just ask me to drive you somewhere. you don't know this but, i wish i blocked your car many more times than i used to.

there isn't one thing that i don't remember that had to do with you. ramadhan or not, you have always been the queen of my heart. all that i just said i remembered, i remembered yesterday before going to bed. i woke up this morning trying to figure out whether or not i dreamt of all those things, or whether i just thought about them before i slept.

as i sat this morning trying to figure out whether or not it was all a dream, i felt my eyes get heavy. to be quite honest, i couldn't remember if i ever felt like this before. as i squeezed my mind with those thoughts, i could feel a burning sensation in the corner of my right eye. i now know it wasn't a dream, i now know i slept with a smile on my face remembering all those things and much more. yet, i felt the burning sensation on my skin now, right on my cheek. i didn't know it then but now i believe that was when i cried. it felt good actually, my heart felt as if it were in a grip and been let go.

i remember knowing that i did not cry because i recalled these memories, or because i missed you. i remember knowing that i cried because i could not imagine ramadhan coming without me by your side. i remember questioning whether or not i should be back home doing everything you tell me to do. you don't know this but, i'm here all because of you. and i'm here not for myself, but for you.

araa 3elal al donya 3alaya katheeratan
wa saa7eboha 7ata al mamaaty 3aleelo
le koli ejtemaa3en mn khaleelayne forgatann
wa kol alathy doun al foraage galeelo