Letter I

Dear scholars,

While I do respect what you have done for the past half century in providing me with loads of material to summarize and paraphrase in my essays; I just can't help but feel that all you uptight motherfuckers need to just chill for a second. Seriously now, who do you think gives two fucks about how or why or when so and so happens.

The things that occupy your time does not and will not help humanity, nor will it aid you in understanding it better. So just go ahead and take a deep breath, go on vacation or something but please oh please shut the fuck up. At first, I thought all y'all bitches stopped fighting and arguing in print as if what you were discussing changes anything back in the good ol' `80s. Apparently, you didn't. If anything, that shows you how much I care; if it weren't for these essays then I probably still wouldn't know shit.

I admit, upon finding out how much you guys are granted in funding, I did take it personally. I mean all you do is use tape-recorders over and over again; jot down what you have recorded in transcription; and try your best at sounding smart by decoding and systemising what you have. Here's a clue: if for fifty years straight you're still undecided: then there's nothing there to systemise nor decode you sorry knit-wits. Just get another job, flip burgers or something for all I care; honestly you might be more useful doing that.

It really does insult my intelligence when you compare a machine that can organize statistical structures with a child's brain, it really does. But then again I understand your confusion. I mean, shit, none of you motherfuckers seem to care what the other sanavabitch has to say do you? You just keep on writing, and writing and writing, referring back and forth to each others papers. Well, I got news for you, you can't challenge a generalisation by merely focusing on a specification. That defies the purpose of argumentation. Yeah that's right, I am challenging all your petty theories.

So you're probably wondering 'then why in the blue fuck would you be reading our papers, writing essays, and studying our field?' I could say it's none of your business, but just to show you my gratitude for actually helping me out with my (stupid) assignments, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

You see, the thing is I'm a cocky motherfucker. I really shouldn't be studying your field, I should be in a whole different school - let alone a department. But I figured 'hey, if my employers - who happen to be my sponsors - are stupid, might as well take the opportunity'. I know, I know this doesn't answer your question, so here goes: the field I should be studying will take a lot of my time.

I mean the introductory course I audited in for one session just proves my point. That crazy bitch wanted us to read two articles each week, prepare for discussion, and I don't know what the fuck else she wanted. Needless to say, I dropped out the next morning.

You probably see where I'm going with this now, and that is: your constant arguments in print messes my thoughts, man. I mean come on, hook a brotha up. While you motherfuckers get paid for writing dead-end discussions, I have to go back and delete most of what I wrote and re-decide all over again on how to structure my essay.

I know I should read everything first and then make up my mind, but dude.. that takes time. It's not like I have anything else to do or anything, it's really just that I don't feel like it.

Yes, sir/madam, I am aware of my responsibilities. I just choose to ignore them.

Ever since I got into high-school this was my way of life. I never did study, yet I never got under a B. Okay, maybe once when I failed Biology - but that shit was so boring (my excuse for 'hard') I actually answered essay-questions on the IGCSE finals with "I wish I knew, but something came up last night and I couldn't finish studying". That was a half-lie, and also passed as a silly joke to charm the examiner - the asshole who was marking probably didn't find it funny. I'm sure that was why I failed, I just know it. But anyway I did get into college.

But ofcourse, the same thing happened when I was in college. I never really cared how economies worked in theory, that's because I was smart enough to know that that textbook crap wouldn't last two seconds out in the real world of business. Two seconds. And that's how I ended up in your beloved field: I transferred to your department.

If you're hoping for a happy ending, then I'm sorry, this isn't a fairytale just like in your studies where you just won't accept that there's more to life than silly experiments and flawless results. For three years, I never studied except when I was asked to teach a bunch of friends in the library the night before the finals. Yeah, that's right, me, teaching. And so it happens, I graduated top of my class too so that probably counts for and tells you something about both myself and your field. Biyaaatch.

Finally, allow me to quote somebody who knew exactly what I'm talking about. 'The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education'.

Yours truly,
immatwir, PhD - University of Life