Release

ramadhan is nearing, so i remember when i was in my 4 to 5pm lecture 2 years ago, and i feel my mobile vibrate. i remember looking at the screen and seeing 'Home' calling. i remember calling you back once i'm in the car and tell you am on my way. i remember how you used to say 'deer baalek bel 6ireej la testa3yel. i remember taking it for granted, i remember how i'd say 'inshala' and then speed anyway. i remember you asking me if i had prayed before coming to the table, and i remember you sitting next to me asking how my day was.

i remember you asking me if i would go to el 7saineya for the lectures, and how i would say yes. i remember coming back from el 7saineya, just as you pull in the garage. i remember us sitting till 1am exchanging what we heard in those lectures. i remember you telling me what time i would like you to wake me up for school, and how you urge me to wake up for salaat el fayir.

i also remember how you would tell me to drop something off at one of my aunts' places, or you would tell me to go pick up something from one of my aunts'. i remember how mad i get when you tell me to do one of these things half an hour before il athaan, and i remember how you would tell me "3afya 3al shaikh" just to make me go. you don't know this but, everytime i used to get mad i would swear to myself to never do it again while i'm in the car.

i remember when it's thursdays, and i ask you "bait meno il izwaara elaila?" and then i'd ask if you would like to come with me. sometimes you did, sometimes you didn't. you don't know this but, everytime you didn't, it doesn't feel like a thursday.

i remember when it's friday, and i walk into grandfather's house and see you with my aunts and uncles sitting in the living room. you don't know this but, i used to look forward to fridays so i can have a chance to kiss your head. i didn't want to do it at home, so it wouldn't mean anything to you over time. i really looked forward to fridays.

i remember when i was coming down the stairs and you would ask me where i'm headed to, sometimes you would tell me "sh laabis ent" when i'm wearing my red sports jacket that gets on your nerve. sometimes you would ask me the same if you felt i was wearing an extra tight shirt. i would joke that "sh 7aga atmaran 3ayal", and i remember that look you used to give me as if you're saying "grow up". you don't know this but, whenever you did give me that look i wish i had went upstairs and changed.

i remember coming back home, not later than 12 midnight because i know you don't like it. sometimes i used to regret leaving the dowaneya or wherever i am before 12 because i would be enjoying myself. you don't know this but, whenever i step into the living room and see the look on your face when i'm back, i used to think i'm the luckiest man on earth.

i remember when i would make plans with some friends, but before i give them the okay, i would come to your room and ask if you needed anything. pick something up, drive you someplace, anything you would say. you don't know this but, i really felt disappointed when you said "la, mashkor mabi shay bas deer balek".

i remember how you would get mad because i parked my cars inside the garage and would be blocking your car. i remember you referring to them by either color or size "3ali, enzel o wakher el safra" or "3ali, enzel o wakher el esgheera". i remember how occasionally you wouldn't be in the mood and so just ask me to drive you somewhere. you don't know this but, i wish i blocked your car many more times than i used to.

there isn't one thing that i don't remember that had to do with you. ramadhan or not, you have always been the queen of my heart. all that i just said i remembered, i remembered yesterday before going to bed. i woke up this morning trying to figure out whether or not i dreamt of all those things, or whether i just thought about them before i slept.

as i sat this morning trying to figure out whether or not it was all a dream, i felt my eyes get heavy. to be quite honest, i couldn't remember if i ever felt like this before. as i squeezed my mind with those thoughts, i could feel a burning sensation in the corner of my right eye. i now know it wasn't a dream, i now know i slept with a smile on my face remembering all those things and much more. yet, i felt the burning sensation on my skin now, right on my cheek. i didn't know it then but now i believe that was when i cried. it felt good actually, my heart felt as if it were in a grip and been let go.

i remember knowing that i did not cry because i recalled these memories, or because i missed you. i remember knowing that i cried because i could not imagine ramadhan coming without me by your side. i remember questioning whether or not i should be back home doing everything you tell me to do. you don't know this but, i'm here all because of you. and i'm here not for myself, but for you.

araa 3elal al donya 3alaya katheeratan
wa saa7eboha 7ata al mamaaty 3aleelo
le koli ejtemaa3en mn khaleelayne forgatann
wa kol alathy doun al foraage galeelo

Clichès

1. "kela mn el liberaliyeen"
2. "kela mn el isalmiyeen"
3. mawthou3 el 7aflaat wel dagdiga.. espicially before ermothan wel 3eed
4. girls : "badris mass communication and open my own ad company"
5. boys : "badris business o 'bafta7' sharikaat"
6. "bader el 7maidi shojaa3"
7. ga66aat 3abdile6eef led3ay concerning sh. soba7 ela7mad
8. pink as the favorite color for chicks
9. 20 inch wheels (or larger) on trucks and SUVs - chrome 6ab3an
10. kuwait vs saudi football matches
11. "ana ma3a entekhabat eljam3a, le'anha el khe6wa el oula lel we7da el wa6aneya"
12. bo raashid
13. "banky? el wa6any"
14. girls : "i would never settle for a guy who plays around"
15. girls : "aham shay in a marriage is fidelity"
16. saying that being gay is acceptable
17. being "open minded"
18. "that's just how Kuwaitis are"
    
19. "i wish we were more like the US"
20. blaming private schools
21. boys : "el mo6reb el eflani jens, ana shaayfa"
22. girls : "el mo6reb el eflani eyanin"
23. LV files
24. CHANEL sunglasses
25. starting a sentence with "when i was in the US.."
26. ending a sentence with "and i am entitled to my opinion"
27. my lists
28. girls : "wai3, ma a7eb ely yedegon 7adeed"
29. boys : "badish naady o ajasim"
30. questions like : "shlon ssaid el Ferrari? yesawi shay?"
31. questions like : "shaakheth? Ferrari wela Porsche?"
32. girls : "ana ma yehezni ay motar"
33. boys : "ya 3ami .. lo eb motar chan esfe6at b thaanyetain"
34. te6eg farra eb masaafi6 Nino went tadri enek ment naazil
35. "el maada 121 mn el distoor temna3 3etho majlis il omma mn ta3yeenah b majlis idarat ay sharika"
    
36. becoming an MD or an engineer
37. getting your masters degree from Egypt
38. questions like : "shlon el clubaat 3endik? laish matro7?"
39. "ra3yat motar, ma7ad yegdar 3alaiha"
40. boys : "ana bel gahwa, 7ayaak"
41. girls : "ana eb chocolate bar marina crescent"
42. "sog el Kuwait yelawi3 el chabd, mafeh shay"
43. travelling to Cannes with your friends and staying at the Carlton
44. "a7san jareeda bel kuwait el qabas"
45. "jareedat el wa6an ma menha fayda"
46. "ana ma ataabi3 mosalsalaat b ermothan"
47. posing as if you don't know where the latest hot spots are in kuwait
48. girls : "i love starbucks for the coffee, not the boys"
49. boys : "i love starbucks ka taghyeer jaw 3an el dewaneya, not for the girls"
50. claiming to be westernized, americanized or whateverinalised
51. "laish ma niseer nafs Dubai?" Spontaneous .. yawday
    

Confessions of a Misspent Youth

Kuwait - 2002.

3ali and M7amad are still best friends. They were rolling in a C5 down the second ring road, dubbed shari3 il7ob. They were both 18 years old, and 2pac was swearing he would kill everybody of the "bitch-ass niggiz on the EaSide" in the background. Yeah, it didn't really go with what they were wearing. Clad in qetra o i3gaal, each one claiming the reserved rights to his own creation of el nasfa. The discussion going on was meaningless, both would tell you that much now. But at the time it sure was pretty much intense.

"Sadegny 3laiwi, nou3ha ghair .. hathy mo sowalifha ana a3arf il bent. Ment gadir 3alaiha lo 7awalt" announced M7amad, in hopes that 3ali would just shut up. You see, they thought they didn't have anything better to do than to discuss the "level of innocence" the 20 yead old girl they were talking about had. She was with M7amad in college, and 3ali knew her name and 'rep'. To 3ali, it was the thrill not only of the chase, but also to prove to M7amad that he did mean what he said about making Noor - the girl - fall for him.

You see, what M7amad did not know was that 3ali had already made Noor fall for him. What M7amad did not know was that Noor had just called 3ali while they were at the restaurant. What M7amad did not know, was that Noor was the one harassing 3ali with messages and missed calls to pick-up.
This really got on 3ali's nerves. It was his 'pride' up against itself. The pride he had in himself in proving that he can get what he set his mind to, and telling M7amad all about it. Against the pride he carries in that he believes that he does not 'kiss and tell'. They weren't complete assholes, afterall.

If you were wondering, 3ali never did tell M7amad about Noor. Infact, any time Noor would be mentioned, 3ali would just say "shakhbari, shyab el6aary". It was a game to him. Even now, he can't deny that it was a game. Sure, he did like her the most out of the five girls he 'spoke to' at the time, but it was still just a game.

Sitting now reflecting on the shallow kid he was, 3ali could not point out one single thing that could justify what he did. Fuck his content, he now realizes that these girls were pretty much all decent. Up until they met him, atleast. 3ali can only think of ways, lots and lots of ways, to explain how it was all wrong. Yet he can't even come up with one single excuse.

Not one excuse, except maybe that it was the girls' fault? But he voted against that. He agreed that it was his duty to take responsibility for his actions.

You see, what kills 3ali up to this day is that he believes he has the clarity now to know that these kinds of things are just plain wrong. Ofcourse, nobody would listen.

You could say that in his hopes of preventing hearts from being broken, he was the one left with the broken heart.

Relationships: Temetwir style, baby.

I saw her. To my disappointment, I still couldn't resist her. Just so many memories, so much to pretend to forget that I get lost in my admiration of the good times she's shown me.

We never really were the talking type, we did not get to that. It was more like those queit relationships. You know, those advertised stories of soulmates and all that crap. Turns out to be true afterall. I was pretty young when I first fell in love with her, so young infact I did not know much about grace and glamour. All I wanted was to have her.

I have a way of getting things I want, so I constantly told myself that one day. One day I'll make her mine. And what do you know, one day she was. At first, I was all gentle and sweet. You know, trying to make an impression. But she just begs for it, I'll tell you that much. When I saw her again, I could tell she needed me. Someone who knows what to do with her.

It didn't take much more than my fingertips, to be honest. Not that I'm that good, but it's true. And no matter how much I try to take it slow and enjoy my time, something about her just insists to push her to the limit. And so I comply. I remember a time when I gave her all I got, I could swear that everyone in a 50 meter radius could hear her groan. That exotic sound she makes when she's under pressure. Fuck yeah!

Some of my friends shared their concerns on the way I treated her. "You're lucky to have her, treat her right. Take it easy" they'd say. But me and her? We knew that she didn't want to just belong. She just wanted to be abused.

I would warm her up a bit before I turn her on. You know, get all the fluids up and running. Afterall, since she did have Italian routes, she had her own way of operating. And nobody knew it better than I did. It showed, quite frankly, it just showed. Sure, she was a head-turner in her timeless grace, but I knew that the way I used her made her all that more alluring. Almost a divine embrace.

It's simple physics. The greater the load you unleash on her, the more she'd give you. She truly represents the ultimate efficiency. A climax, if you may.

I could not tell if it was appropriate for me to just go there and touch her again. Feel my hands over her sleek, timeless and almost perfect shape. Italians. They sure do know what the fuck they're doing, don't they?

F355

The Price of Things

With all the articles here and there these days in respect to what has been said in an interview concerning the blackmailing and extortion involved in passing the Women's Rights bill, one has to ask: is it that far-fetched from being true?

That was not a real question. Ofcourse it's not far fetched. Heck, anything BUT that would be hard to believe.

Let me just say that this is news to me. I haven't seen the interview, and I did not read a full transcript. I am not all that interested in what was exactly said to be honest, but the fact that it has been said interests me.

Upon discussing this with my freind, Sector, he asked me whether or not I regard the fact that something like this being said "publically" is a sign that there are internal conflicts between certain branches (wrong word?) of the Il Sobaa7 family.
In other words, 7ag ely ma wida wela khaayef yefasirha, is it not a slap on the face 7ag il shaab il la6eef shaikh Sobaa7 Il A7mad?

Valid question. And yes, in some way or another (and depending on how you look at it), eventually no two would argue that something of this scale could be pulled off without shaikh Sobaa7's knowledge and/or approval.

However, I personally cannot care less whether or not there is an internal conflict between the Il Sobaa7iya. But the fact that the source is the head of the National Security, and yes a shaikh, leaves you with little doubt of questioning his credibility.

Granted, you could say that "since he is a shaikh, he can regard himself untouchable and therefore says what he wants and blames and calls names without having to worry of questioning later on".
But then again, who is he really pointing a finger at? (Enter Sector's arguement).

Like I said, it is not far-fetched. And if you think that "yam3awad, hatha raay il omma wel nas taby chethy.. o saar ely el naas tabeeh". All I can say is "ay naas o ay omma o ay ba6eekh?". Latsadgoon ena ako shay esma demoqra6eya bel 3alam, let alone believing that Kuwait is a democracy.

What I am trying to say is, yes I have no reason not to believe that the 7ag Il Mar'a Il Siyasy was passed by blackmailing and extortion. I also do not see it as something out of the ordinary.

Welcome to the real world, hommies.

It has also been reported in the interview that two members of parliament were financed by non-other than 7abaayib il sha3b wil ommatain il 3arabiya wel islameya .. Il Qaa3ida.

"Tantatanaanan tan tan"

Second Best

"Just when I thought that I was out, they pull me back in." The words of none other than Don Michael Corleone.

You plan things in the hopes that they work out the way you wanted them to in the first place. Expecting everything to run smoothly will just break your heart along the way, so it has become a habit of mine to expect nothing. Not the best, not the worst. Nothing. Expect nothing and you shall never be disappointed.

On very rare occasions, matters unfold to lay before you as even better than what you have wished for. You tell yourself you've been a good boy or girl and this is what good boys and girls get in return - errr - good things, that is.

Ofcourse, as always, there is a catch. When something better than you expected happens, you are better off with taking it and keeping your mouth shut. The Russian saying goes something like "When life is good.. it is better not to question why."

But what happens when you are one step away from even getting a yet better deal? Life sure can be sweet sometimes, you think.

If you are lost now, this is a review:
a- you expect something to happen
b- what you expected does not happen - something better does
c- however, you could get an even better deal than (b)

The question is, should one settle for what he has? The easy answer would be: Yes, espicially since it is even better than what he would have settled for in the first place. Ni3ma mn rab il 3alimeen, no doubt. But how about izyaadat il ni3ma?

I am not going to specify this to a "certain something", as to not limit the discussion. As well as to leave the floor for each and every one of you to understand it freely.

Would you really, honestly, settle for second-best. Given that you have already set your mind to accept third-best?

Guidance

Certainty makes life a lot more easier. Knowing what you know to be true is one thing. Certainty is on a whole different level.

Thing is there aren't many certainities, simply because people do not agree on how to certify. Some may regard everything their parents say as the ultimate truth. Others take that from religious figures. Some unfortunate others, 'believe' in certain people - for example politicians.

Most ideas have proven to not withstand the test of time. That's because they're just ideas. Ideas of man to his fellow man, on say - how to conduct his life. Democracy for example. Yes, it sounds fair and yes it seems like the 'right thing to do'. But then again, it's just an idea.

There is a group of people who regard science as the ultimate truth. Hatha ely gal 3omra ma tebakhar, tebakhar we7tarag mako? The extreme thought being: If something cannot be explained by science, then there is no explanation for it. Period.

So what makes me so sure that the ultimate truth is in religion? I was told by my parents? I heard it from religious figures? What, I can't think for my own?

I consider myself lucky. And yes, I pity those who question "religion". I mean the mere thought they have of life being meaningless and "it's all about fun" and "having a good time" until they cease to exist is really depressing. What they may deem as old-fashioned is infact the truth - etha totla 3alayhe ayaatona, galaa asa6eero el awaleen. What they may regard as "mowakabat il ta6awor" is infact what brings them down sooner or later.

The only way "they" can question faith is by asking who and when. Take the afterlife question, it's like as if they want an exact date. - wa yagolona mata hatha al wa3d en kentom sadigeen, gol lakom mee3aado yawmin la tasta'kheroon 3anho saa3taan wala tastagdimoon. And -
yas'aloka al naaso 3an el saa3a, gol ennama 3elmoha 3enda allah. wa maa yodreeka, la 3alla al sa3aata takoon gareeba.

People, ena wa3da allah 7ag fa la tagorranakom al 7ayaat al donya.

Philosophy has always tackled life and its meaning. It's really very simple. Summarized in:
e3lamo annama al 7ayat al donya la3ebon wa lahwon wa zeenaton wa tafaakhoron baynakom wa takaathoron fel amwaal wal awlaad ka mathalle gaythen a3jaba al kofaara nabaatoho, thoma yaheejo fa taraho mosfarran thoma yakoono 7o6aaama.. wa fel aakherati 3athaabon shadeedon wa maghferaton mn allahe wa rethwaan .. wa ma al 7ayaat edonya ela mataa3 el quroor.

And why do I pity them? Why do I feel lucky?

ena alatheena la yarjoona legaa'ana wa rathoo bel 7ayaat el donya wa e6ma'ano beha
walatheena hom 3an aayaatena qaafiloon olaa'eka ma'waahom al naaro bema kanoo yakseboon.. ena alatheena aamano wa 3amelo al sali7aate yahdeehem rabehom be eemanehom tajree mn ta7tehom el anhaar fi janaat el na3eem.. da3waahom feha sob7aanaka allahomma wa ta7eyatohom feha salaam .. waa akhero da3waahom ann el 7amdo lelaah rab el 3alameen.

The same applies to those who believe that "el denya taghayerat 3an ayam il rasool". Ily yesma3 yegoul chena al7en Islam was restricted and applied only to that time when il rasool (salla allah 3alaih w aaleh) was alive.
If you're afraid of being ridiculed for the "takhaluf" your country is in; then Allah is much much more entitled to your fear than whoever they are you are thinking of.
And if you are desperate to change the ways of how life is in your country, so you can live the way you want the next .. cham tabon? .. 1,000 years? Then think how nothing 1,000 is opposed to eternity. Wa yasta3jeloonaka bel 3athaabe wa lan yokhlifa Allahu wa3dah wa inna yawman 3enda rabbek ka alfi sanaten memma ta3udoun.

True, there is a big difference between being a Muslim from being an Islamist - mind you, as it is used/shown in politics. But that does not mean you have the right to look for an alternative way of life. You think Islam has some rulings which are harsh? Which are a bit old-fashioned? Which are "fashla jedam elnas hatha deenna"? You think because whoever it is you want to be like are more 'advanced' than you, then they're right? Well guess what - nomati3ohom qaleelan, thomma nath6arrohom ela 3athaaben galeeth.

In the end, just think about this. Does it apply to you 1,400+ years later? I hope not.

wa etha totlaa 3alayhim ayaatona bayinaaten gaala alatheena la yarjoona legaa'ana e'ty be quraa'nen gayre hathaa aw baddelh, gol ma yakoono ly an obaddilahu mn telgaa' nafsi, en attebe3o ella ma yoou7a elayy .. enny akhaaffo en 3assayto raby 3athaaba yawwmn 3atheeem, gol law shaa'a allaho ma tallawtoho 3alaykom wa laa adraakom behh.

edit: Some of you may know Shaikh Il Mohaajir, he once said (my attempt at translation) : it is only if we are slaves to Allah, can we be free.
Think about it. Think REALLY good. Only if we are enslaved to Allah - can we be utterly free in life.

Intermission

Some pictures. Depending on flash and lighting, some colors may appear fancier than the real thing.

Ma chena bel Khairan? heh



Notice that there are no sheets, and no covers. Much more important stuff on my hands.

Since it's a two bedroom apartment, I decided to keep one for my 'stuff' and one for just sleeping in. The one with the all the stuff obviously needs some attention. By Sunday inshalla done with, nothing major.

I've got two of these.



Tekrimoon. The stupid sink drives me crazy every single time abi atwatha.



Something my sister and niseeby gave me. It was like a joke, you know a 'cheap' goodbye. It's no joke to me, I just look at it and feel right at home.



This is why I got the apartment in the first place. Didn't even look at any others.
The grey building is my University. Easy 5 minute walk. Probably 10 max to any building inside campus (given that I know my way around, which I don't just yet.)


Most importantly, my living room. This is how it looks like now.

SKY TV will be done by tomorrow inshalla. Notice the wireless modem. 8MB BABY, next week (on dialup now, talk about shyaab le yaab). Fuck that, aham shay el makhama. 3aaash Poundland heh.



It may look messy, but the sweet thing is it won't take me 5 minutes to make it all neat and tidy.

The apartment is not what I would say "raahya", and not what I would say "theej". Just the right size for me alone.

Location-wise, I can't be any luckier. You saw how close the University is. And just opposite my building, across the street is a mall. You basically enter the mall, and you're INSIDE the city centre itself. You can walk in-doors and be dropped right in the middle of the city centre 'strip' at the other end.

Only thing I wish was nearer was a Tesco or some co-op. I think there is a Tesco which is two train stations away, just a matter of getting off the train and across the street. But, I mean how hard is it to find bread/toast/eggs/tuna/lettuce/corn flakes/milk in one place? Pretty hard!

And mbh: I gave up on the washing machine man. My clothes smell like FLOWERS. A mix of flowers, and that baby powder thing. A fucking pampers commercial. You know the term "emsab7eta omma", that's what I smell like.
But not to worry, I got a dry cleaners just down the street.

Hardships

prewritten

Silence is a burden, he thought. The world around him so still, so quiet infact that his ears were aching. Ah yes, the deafening sound of nothingness, when one is left with nothing but oneself. It's kind of ironic, really. That what we expect people to be interested in when we utter, is infact the same stuff that bores ourselves to death when theres no one around to victimize. Looking around,
only the tiled white and black shadows on the wall bouncing off the reflections on some dunno-what angles from the lamp behind are visible. Physics.

Silence, black and white. Not a sound from the outside world though some of the windows were popped open. Could feel the breeze but not hear it, know the world outside is filled with colours but fail to see it.

Locked up. Being locked up sure must be a picnic compared to this, solitary imprisonment however would be a different matter.
You know how they always say stripping a man from his freedom will always break him down. Fuck that, it's not that poetic.
In simple terms, man needs to impose himself on the outside world. So much infact that he is lead to believe that its his right and not a privelage. Not sure how that's different from being free, but its different alright.

Man has got some fucking nerve on him, I'll say.

Think happy thoughts, remember faces dear to your heart, it's not being away, it' just being. Period. It's not like he's lonely or anything, just alone.

Can't really place the feeling. It's definitely not in his head, that's for sure. Certain that this has nothing to do with being unable to cope with the current circumstances or environment, it most certainly does not relate. Piece of cake.

Been through a lot worse, infact willing to go through even worst. Just a way of life. Knowing that facing the world out there is nothing, facing himself all alone was the problem. One proud egoistical motherfucker. None of that 'mirror mirror on the wall' crap. Not that it would apply in this darkness anyway. Damned lucky he would if he could differentiate between a mirror and a door.

Always thought that stuff like this is what people moan about and cry over, shows how much he really knew.

Breath, rythmic. Pulse, normal. Stress-free-mind. Facts that reassure that this is not about what he is 'thinking', nor 'feeling'. It's just occuring.

Heartache. Visualizing the muscle dubbed the heart pumping blood normally, yet it's as if some of the arteries were tightened. Squeezed perhaps. Fuck shedding tears; crying blood is what breaks a man down.

Seems like there is more to us than just thinking with our heads and feeling with our bodies after all, the differentiation between those 2 is one thing; the seperation from "I" from both is a whole different ball game.